


What Happens When You're Depressed and Sleep Deprived

by peachi3starzz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, angst but it ends well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:14:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachi3starzz/pseuds/peachi3starzz
Summary: TW for references to depression and suicide.  Dean and Cas go ice skating, but when they get home Dean finally decides that Castiel deserves to know what happened when Cas wasn't there.  I was in the mood for some angsty Destiel content.   Have a great day/night :)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 10





	What Happens When You're Depressed and Sleep Deprived

“Sh- OW!”  
“Dean, are you okay?” Asked Cas, looking worried.  
“Yeah,” said Dean, brushing himself off and getting back up, making sure his sleeves were pulled down. “Its hard to get used to these skates. I never did anything like this as a kid, so I have zero experience with this sorta thing.”  
Castiel nodded. “I don’t have any experience with this either, but we can help each other learn.”  
Cas helped Dean get up, then linked arms with him and started to skate.   
They went fairly slowly, trying to learn and coordinate with each other. It was cold outside, but they kept each other warm.   
They both lost their balance a few more times, but eventually figured out how to skate enough that they didn’t totally embarrass themselves.   
After a few hours they both were tired, and decided to go home.  
They drove holding hands and singing along to Christmas songs, enjoying themselves. Towards the end of their ride, Dean went quiet. Cas was worried, because Dean hadn’t been like this for a while. Cas just squeezed Dean’s hand and smiled at him, hoping to let him know that he cared and wanted to support him. Dean squeezed back and gave Cas a weak smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.  
“Dean?”  
“Its nothing, Cas. I’m just thinking about some stuff.”  
“Oh, okay. I’m here, you know.”  
“I know. Thanks for that, Cas.”  
“Of course, Dean. I love you.”  
“I love you too.”  
Dean parked and got out with Cas following. He went straight into their shared bedroom, which wasn’t a good sign. Usually he sat down in the living room or at the table for a little while and talked to Sam.  
“Hey, Dean. How was your-” Sam looked at Castiel, a questioning expression on his face.  
Cas shrugged his shoulders and followed Dean into their room.   
“Dean, is everything-”  
Dean turned around with tears in his eyes, pulling up his long sleeves to reveal long scars from his wrist up to his elbow. “I’m sorry, Cas- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you- I’m sorry I couldn’t-”  
“Dean-” Cas held Dean’s wrists in his own hands. “I didn’t know- I’m so sorry, love.”  
Tears were streaming down Dean’s face as he sobbed.  
“I just- I didn’t know what to do when you were gone, so I relapsed and-”  
Cas pulled Dean into his arms, holding him as tightly as he could.   
“I’m here now. And I love you, Dean. So much.”  
Dean started to slump into Cas, finally caving. Cas pulled Dean down onto the bed beside him, keeping both arms around him the whole time. He took one of Dean’s arms and slowly kissed the start of the scar, keeping his touch light. Dean was like a startled animal right now, one wrong move and his walls would be right back up, so Castiel made sure he did everything right for the man he loved. Cas kissed both of Dean’s scars lightly, letting Dean get all his emotions out while comforting him with his own love language.  
“Cas, can we t-talk about it?”  
“Of course. Please. Show me why it hurts and I’ll help you to fix it.”  
“Except- can we lay down? I don’t want you to see my face.”  
“Of course, let me turn off the lights.”  
Cas quickly got up and turned off the lights, returning to Dean and cuddling up with him under the covers. Cas held both of Dean’s hands in his own, comforting him in any way he could.  
“After you died,” started Dean, “I relapsed into drinking. It was horrible Cas. I wasn’t sober until you came back. And when that didn’t fix anything, I started-” Dean’s voice cracked. He stopped for a moment, taking a breath and getting closer to Cas.  
“I went to the next best thing. Drowning everything else out with pain. At first it was just purposely getting myself hurt on hunts but then Sam stopped me from going with him. He figured out what I was doing. So when he left, I’d do it to m-my arms instead. It was the only thing that took away everything else for a while. It almost made me feel good; like I was slowly getting rid of the problem. I realized I was the problem. So I looked for the most direct way to end it. I thought maybe dying on a hunt would be a great way to go out; kicking and screaming, y’know?”   
Cas nodded.  
“But Sam still didn’t let me come with him. I figured I’d wait until he did. But it had been three months and I still didn’t see another way out. There’s this tall building- the tallest in the city- about ten miles from here. I took Baby for what I thought was her last ride, taking in all the sights, and realizing I wouldn’t miss any of it. After you died, Cas, the world just seemed dull. I parked behind the building and used the elevator to get to the top floor, then climbed the stairs to the roof. I felt calm. That’s what still scares me. I was so peaceful, I wasn’t even scared at all. I opened the door, felt the wind in my hair, and smiled. I was going to see you again. I was so excited. I walked to the edge and sat there for a while, thinking about my life. Wondering if I’d make it to Heaven and see you again.”  
Cas rubbed Dean’s back, comforting him.  
“I stood up, getting ready to jump. Then Sammy called me- He saved me-” Dean started to cry again, reminded of how much his brother cared for him.  
“H-He told me that it was all going to be okay. He didn’t even know where I was, Cas. But he knew something was wrong. I still wanted to die so badly, I almost hung up. But then he said you were back and I went back inside as quickly as I could. After a few days, Sam told me he wasn’t going to call, he was gonna have you be a surprise for when I came home. But he could just feel that something wasn’t right. And then when I heard your voice- it was like everything else was gone. All I could hear was you saying ‘Hello, Dean.’ I drove home, hoping I wasn’t hallucinating, and then- And then I saw you, Cas. Well, you know what happens next.”  
“Tell it to me from your point of view, love. If you want to, that is.”  
“I saw you and I cried. Like a huge baby. I felt so stupid, but if I hadn’t picked up Sam’s call then- I would’ve died for nothing. I was so happy and so sad at the same time. I wanted to hug you and kiss you and tell you how much you meant to me, but I couldn’t. Sam was there and- I don’t know, I still didn’t feel 100%. So I waited. I told Sammy where I was that day and why I was so depressed. I went to a doctor. I got medicine. I finally felt better. And then I told you what you’d meant to me the whole time. And I got help. But sometimes there’s still a little voice in my head telling me how horrible I am for being gay and depressed. Because I learned all that from my dad. How bad it is to not be normal. How horrible it is if you can’t be strong all the time. But you helped me realize, Cas, that it's okay. You’ve helped me so much, Cas. I love you so much.” Dean took a deep breath, realizing that was the first time he’d said all of that out loud.  
Cas’ eyes were filled with tears. “Dean, I never knew- I’m so sorry, my love. I wish I could’ve been here sooner or maybe I could’ve-”  
“You’re here now. That’s all I need.” Dean smiled through his tears at the angel beside him, leaning in and kissing his tears away.   
Cas held Dean tightly, thinking over everything he had just said.  
“It’s all going to be okay. You’re so much better now, and I’m so proud of you, love.”  
“Thank you, Cas.”  
Cas pulled Dean in, kissing his lips lightly, then a bit harder when Dean kissed him back. They kissed slowly, relishing the moment and talking about other things quietly between kissing. They talked for hours about their favorite things, each other, their lives, and anything and everything in between.   
Cas rolled over onto his back, and Dean put his head onto the angel’s chest, listening to his heart beat. They both smiled, realizing how much better the other had made their lives.  
They slept peacefully, dreaming of each other and how happy they were going to be. <3


End file.
